Your head is mine!
We recently caught up with the ‘White Lion from Zion’, author of the best-selling autobiography, “Dancing on Furry Paws: The Life of a Snow White Tosser” while on a nature walk around the Rugers’ garden. Although busy yellowing his mane on the entrails of a rodent he agreed to a quick Q n A.
Dogz: Halyce thank you for agreeing to chat to us at ‘The Roaming Dogz’
Halyce: The pleasure is all mine old boy!
Dogz: Do you mind if I call you Halyce?
Halyce: Honestly I can’t stand the name. I am usually referred to as “The Toss” immediately following actions of mine that are perceived as illogical, such as when I decide to go out in a torrential downpour, or when I stare blankly at my owners as they plead with me to come inside
Dogz: Halyce what were you luncheoning on a minute ago?
Halyce: I’m not sure, a rodent of sorts, a rat perhaps. I only eat rats and pellets. I tend to avoid bird and fish.
Dogz: I see, so your diet is really quite simple?
Halyce: Its good honest fare
Dogz: Would I be presumptuous in saying that you enjoy a good mouse from time to time?
Halyce: Oh yes, mice are excellent!
Dogz: Well, your owners would like to know why you have done nothing about the mice problem in the kitchen. And they assume it’s because you are incapable – or to quote them – “too hefty”, to jump onto the counter top where they reside.
Halyce: (looking a little embarrassed) Hefty? pffffff! Under this blanket of uncontrollable fur I am built like a race horse
Dogz: Yet you cannot rid a kitchen of a few mice. It does not bode well for your prowess as a hunter
Halyce: pffffff
Dogz: We’ll return to that in a minute, but still on the subject of food: I’ve noticed a new table outside upon which is placed your bowl of pellets –
Halyce: that bastard dog devours everything at ground zero hence the need to place my food bowl at altitude
Dogz: You are still talking in aeronautical terms, is this your time served in the Royal Air Force coming out?
Halyce: I did good service for my country as a pilot.
Dogz: Your time in the service was rather short was it not, about 2 days? I believe you were dishonourably discharged?
Halyce: I was requested to shave myself before going out on a training flight because my co-pilot was allergic to cats, a short while after take-off he started sneezing and developing rashes. I apologised, explaining that I’d woken up late and just didn’t have the time to self barber, but he wasn’t having it so he started yelling at me and throwing insults like “you got so much hair you can’t even find your penis” and “I bet your mother was a cotton ball” and “your breath smells like haddock”, and I don’t even eat fish.
Dogz: And then what happened?
Halyce: Well then I cut him
Dogz: You cut him?
Halyce: Yeah, I cut him and then I ate his head
Dogz: Much like you do with the rats?
Halyce: Yes, much the same. I ate his head and then I ejected into the Navaho desert where I was forced to survive on peyote buttons for the next 2 weeks,
Dogz: How did they find you?
Halyce: Well, the usual method of tapping on a can of lucky pet doesn’t work with me. I was actually found by a bunch of Navajo Indians. After a while I got accustomed to their way off life, I particularly enjoyed the ritual of scalping. You can imagine that after I told them about the consumption of my co-pilot’s head they were bemused to no end, and from then on they afforded me the respect and privileges of a tribal elder.
Dogz: Incredible! How do you compare your time with the Indians with your current owners?
Halyce: The Indians were great, but their incessant drumming drove me nuts, never a moment’s sleep. They sought my council in all affairs concerning fleas, ticks, rodents and general vermin eradication. I designed, patented and erected scare-cats in their cornfields which were made in my image. But, they over brushed me. At first I thought they were just being affectionate, but then I started noticing how they took a keen interest in the fur collecting on the brush, never throwing it away, always pocketing it. As time went on I started noticing how their traditional colourful garments were steadily being replaced by white ones
Dogz: So essentially they were using you for your fur?
Halyce: You could say that, eventually I cottoned on, and I became concerned about the condition of my skin which was becoming raw and my fur so sparse I started looking like Mr. Bigglesworth. But suspecting my imminent departure they imprisoned me in a small room.
Dogz: How did you escape?
Halyce: Twice daily, the groomer would come in to remove lose hairs for the blanket manufacturing operation, which by this time I’d overheard, had grown so huge they were exporting the blankets all over the world. The groomer always carried the key to the room on a locket around his neck, too tight to even pull over his head, which I tried once to do when he had fallen asleep on the job
Dogz: How did you get the key?
Halyce: I ate his head
Dogz: Of course, and did you return to the air force base after that?
Halyce: Yes, it was the only place I could feel safe
Dogz: So you ran right into the arms of the law?
Halyce: Yes, there was a trial as you can image, but they found me mentally insane. I spent 5 years in a nuthouse before escaping.
Dogz: How did you escape? Did you eat someone’s head?
Halyce: No, over the years I had befriended a mole who had been developing a tunnel system throughout the grounds for many years, said he was building the finest mole city this side of the Mississippi. I’d heard the groundskeeper threatening to bring in pest control, but seeing the advantage of having these tunnels completed, I convinced him that I could take care of the problem. So they let me outside every day to track and kill the mole. Instead, I worked by his side lengthening the tunnels.
Dogz: So you put aside your taste for rodent in order to capitalize on his mining expertise?
Halyce: Exactly!
Dogz: Very industrious Toss! And when you finally cleared the fence, you shook paws and parted ways then?
Halyce: When we finally passed that outer perimeter fence and surfaced to the smell of freedom, of a fresh start, we turned to each other and shared in the satisfaction of long arduous project seen to completion, and then I ate his head.
Dogz: Interesting! Tell me about your new home here, does it suite your outgoing personality
Halyce: I take liberties here, I sleep wherever I want which is usually out in the cold, I haven’t learned to meow yet when I want to come in so I tend to sit quietly and stare at the door. There’s always plenty of water collecting in puddles to drink from because I haven’t figured out yet what the clear liquid is in the bowl next to my food. I enjoy watching people vacuum so I tend to carry a lot of detritus inside which naturally clings to me after leaving my resting spot in the dirt. I love it here in sunny Cape Town where I can often be seen tanning my pink ears and developing cancer.
Dogz: You’ve certainly had an interesting life Toss, do you have any inspiring words for our readers.
Halyce: Sure, I’ve had interesting time of it Dogz. I’m approaching my golden years now and I’ve been doing some serious reflecting now that I’ve had the leisure to do so. I’ve learned something very important: You get 2 types of people. Those that eat tomatoes and those that don’t. And I just don’t trust people who don’t eat tomatoes.
Wherever The Dogz May Roam 